thoughts of leaving chigang

CHIGANG is my college barkada name. It was grouped since i was a fresh student. And im actually not part of the original group. Parang more likely addition na lang ako since most of them are close to me. So sa umpisa siyempre it was fun and everything was under control. But then as time passes, im beginning to feel like alone. Alone in this big group. Sa umpisa i only have rose ann as my best friend. And nung sumama kami sa group siyempre di maiiwasan na meron siyang mas close na kaysa saken. And me? im still the same fresh student way back 3 1/2 years ago. I am already left behind. Sa loob ng big group, may small divisions pa. Hmmm.. im not jealous that rose ann already have liaa, gel with cielo, anj, ina and nikki.. its just that i feel like i have no friend to turn to. i mean someone that i can be with anytime i need her. someone i can talk to for a long period of time or someone who will be interested in my stories and will laugh at me at the same time. Someone who is busy yet finds time to give me a bit of her free time. Am i being so demanding? Hmm.. Maybe yes but this is me. I may not have the voice to speak loud but i have my actions to show how i feel. I just cant understand why up to now they still do not know me. Or maybe they are just not aware that i am feeling out of place when im with them. And now Cai became a part of the group.. I thought I will already have a best friend in the group whom i can lean on.. And i thought it would be a lot better now but nothing changed. She’s close to rose ann and to liaa as well so there are times na i cant relate lalo na when it comes to “boyfriend topics”. Im just desperately cranking a punchline about my crush (even though i already sound stupid, i know) just to somewhat relate to them but you know at the end of the conversation its still the three of them, just the three of them. And it hurts. It hurts when you are making efforts but you know that they are still rejecting you unconciously. I am not asking them to treat me special(because i already gave up on that) but what im only asking is that please just show me naman na im part of the group. That i should always feel secured that i have friends and i will never be alone. I can see efforts but only few. Sometimes I feel na parang im just here because i am rose ann’s best friend. Pero siguro kung hindi i will became the greatest loner in the class. Yes I undoubtedly say that I am really sensitive. Most of the time I would feel like no one loves me. And no one wants to be friends with me. I admit that its really my fault that I am quiet and not socializing with friends but you know the reason behind that is that im not comfortable. I became talkative with people whom i think can accept me for who i am. I am not quiet. The truth is i have so many things in mind that i wanted to voice them out but i cant. I cant because im afraid to be rejected. To be rejected by people i valued most. I also admit that im not used to be part of a big group, the most that i have was four that is why i have problems in adjusting. But im trying. In my simple ways im really trying. They thought that i have attitude problems of just walking away without reason but i have a reason. I could not tell because of my fear of confrontation. I am not used to be with people. But i am trying my best to be a social animal. But you know whenever i feel rejected i easily gave up. I am weak inside. The weakest that you will ever know. I hate to go but if its the only way to escape the feeling of being rejected by the friends i valued most, well id rather be the greatest loner in the class.

I just would like to say something to the members of chigang:
gel- i do appreciate your effort of reaching out and sorry if i cant say my problems to you because we are not that close. Yes we are seatmates but we have a weak foundation of friendship
liaa-you know what, you are one of the chigz who made me feel like an air. Unconciously you treated me the least priority. Minsan nga feeling ko kaya mo lang ako kinakausap kasi hindi natin kasana si rose ann eh. Sa lrt pauwi, i do observe na si ann lang yung palagi mong kinakausap and sobrang konti lang nung times na kinakausap mo ako. there are lot more incidents that you made me feel always second to ann kaya nga i asked you if you can see me as patchu and not as rose ann’s shadow eh because thats what i can see
ina-i was touched the first time na sinabi ko sayo na aalis na ako kasi umiyak ka. i dont know i just felt na sad ka na im leaving but most of the time kasi parang i dont feel na you care. sorry
ann-you are my college bestfriend. sa lahat as in sayo ako tiwala. but now i dont know. feeling ko i dont know you anymore. parang ang layo mo na. i sometimes thought na siguro kung wala kang boyfriend we still have the same bonding up to now. alam mo i really have insecurities eh. kasi you are always their priority. Halos lahat ng bestfriends ko nung highschool kaclose mo. Mga classmates natin close mo most of them. Para tuloy na i felt na im just your shadow na wala akong identity. Na parang si Patchu best friend ni rose ann. And thats it.
angela-aside from the frequent chat that we had wala na akong alam. Wala ka naman kinukwento and i just feel na whenever im making an effort to reach out, wala talaga
nikki-hmm.. alam mo malaki talaga ang tampo ko sayo kasi ikaw yung isa sa nagparamdam saken na shadow lang ako ni rose ann. alam mo you also made me feel na im not reliable.
cielo-i know na wala pa talaga tayong bonding so we are just in a group, we do have small talks but those were more likely school related. i wish i can still know you more

what do i feel?
alone
rose ann’s shadow
the last priority
out of place
trying hard to fit in

i know im not flawless and i can never say that i am sociable but im trying to reach out. Sometimes i feel na i dont belong in this group eh. And i thank centipedes for always giving me a warm welcome in their group whenever i feel alone. And i also thank Raisa for always being there. I am just wondering why am i not being the real Patchu in Chigz but i am the real and natural Patchu in Centipedes? wala lang. But i do thank them for entertaining me.

Times like this. I just need someone wh0 can make me feel that i am wrong. That there is no reason to leave. And theres no reason to feel alone.

Pams’ Day

Mark the calendar.. February 24, 2009 is the Pams’ Day! why? what is Pams’ day all about? hahaha

Pams’ Day- It was the day that Pams’ Lavs smiled at Pams, looked at Pams and waved at Pams for the first time after a very long time.

The story:) I alarmed my cp on the early morning of Feb 24 at 4:30am. And so lucky that it didn’t alarmed and I found out that my cp had a problem with its sounds. I think my cp was broken. haha Anyway so I woke up at around 6:30 am and my class was at 7:30am. Well no matter how fast my preperation would be, still I can’t make up for my class. So I decided to sleep again until 7am. I arrived in Vito Cruz at around 9:05. In the front of the bank (BPI) I saw a man with a cap and I thought it was him.. haha.. my heart was thrilled but only to found out that the man is a student in uniform.. ahaha. And so here I go again.. I kept on thinking that I should now move on.. haha.. because that was my goal for the past few weeks.. still haven’t achieved. It was 9:08 on the clock so I had to walk a bit faster because my next class was at 9am. Passing through the soc hall was the highlight of the Pams’ day. I was actually looking forward when suddenly the arrangement of the sochall took my attention.. as if there was a event that would be happen. Out of curiosity I looked on the preparations and when I turned my look a bit right. BOOM! i saw him! He was looking at me.. and and.. he was smiling.. and he waved his hands.. and me? i was shocked and my face was haggard and exhausted.. my hair was not properly fixed and my bangs was covering my eyes.. and i looked like i just came from a disaster.. haha.. but then i also smiled at him and waved my hands. I was like omgee.. he appeared to me like a light which was very clear to me. His appearance to me was very clear. As if he was the only person there.. He was the only one that my eyes can capture.. His smile melted my heart. He was like a superstar to me.. Up to now, I still can remember his face looking at me. And it makes me smile and chill.. hahaha.. So i was like walking along.. and at the stairs I was smiling… I still looked at him.. haha. He was in a green shirt.. with sunglasses above his head. He looked like he lose weight. But he was still appealing to me. He looks younger than his age. haha After our class, we went straight to the soc hall to view the exhibit. And the time has come. It was my big day! haha.. My friends was teasing me and some even fixed my collar and my hair.. hahaha.. just to look good. Anyway, there was a ribbon cutting and he delivered a speech about the exhibit. Still the same voice that I missed. Anyway, we had a pityur pityur.. And we had a group pic me very close to him! hahaha.. He was on my side.. And i even bumped him because I didn’t saw him at my back. And someone from the group made a “closer move” hahaha.. I don’t know if that was intentional but it made me a bit closer to him.. hahaha.. I can smell his fragrance.. haha. The closest I ever had with him since the exhibit.. hehehe.. And when we went back he was still there sitting on the chair.. hahaha… that was the last time that i saw him. n_n

dates to be remembered

Since I considered this day as Pams’ Day.. I would like to blog the chronological sequence about the root of this very important event in my life. For those who still do not know the story.. here are some of the most unforgettable experiences with him..

July 28, 2007- the first day I said that I like him.. the first date in my so-called “dear diary”. The first pet name that I called him was “mr. monday mushroom”(i know it sounds weird and funny). I considered him as my newest apple of the eye after the music student(ahem). Actually we already had a first meeting before this but that time I was busy submitting projects so I didn’t paid much attention to him.. but I already said that he was cute.. (hehe)

July 30, 2007- The first word that he said to me was “As many as you can” hahaha.. this was with relation on how many patterns in photoshop should we use in the activity. The first time that I had this strong fighting spirit to look at him straight to his eyes(for 5 seconds).. haha. 

August 30, 2007- We had a fire drill in school and I was with the chigz. Then I saw him going down the stairs with the other class and so I did a very fast walk just to be closer to him.. hahaha.. Sorry chigz.. hahaha.. 

September 03, 2007- We have a class and this was the closest moment I ever had with him. My computer didn’t started and it had a technical problem. I promise it was really not working. And so we have to call him to fix my computer. Infairness he made the effort of fixing my computer. At first, he didn’t believed that it was not starting but he still came to me and it started but it was still not working properly. So what he did was he seated on my seat and he was not comfortable .. meaning he was too fat to occupy the space in my seat. Anyway, he said “ang sikip naman dito” and i replied “ang payat ko kasi eh”. haha. After he seated, i remembered that the computer suddenly functioned properly. What a power! haha

September 10, 2007- We had our so-called pictorial for the dragan method. Anyway, we have our costumes with us and did a photo shoot. It was really an embarassing moment for me simply because I am not that comfortable that he was taking pictures of me. Nah! My lips were shaking(? is that the right word) hahaha.. it was a feeling of nervousness.. why? i don’t know.. maybe its just too awkward.. haha

the following dates were written in my other diary.. haha.. some are not that good.. yeah. and i thought not to blog them anymore because it will be sooo public.. haha.. well the best memories happens in the first meetings.. haha

bitter last valentines

This was my blog last valentines day and today is the only day that i thought of posting this. This was my blog for my web design subject.

Its been one year since i felt how to be inlove again with someone. Maybe its not the exact word but that is how i describe the feeling. The last time I felt it was two year ago.. I never expected to feel the same way. But I did expect that it would be the same old story. He was very much like him. Their traits were almost the same. I can see myself acting the same way to different persons. But they were very much alike. They came in to my life at the same time.. high school.. college.. 2nd year.. 1st sem.. yeah.. And everything were almost the same.. but different situations.. But the same feeling.. nah.. Both of them.. they didn’t liked me and that was the saddest part. Ofcourse I know that would be very impossible but im still hoping.. and that was what i am always doing.. hoping for an impossible love story and waiting for a wrong person. But i can’t help it.. and it makes me feel sooo depressed. I can’t concentrate, i can’think.. yeah I can only think negative somethings about myself abd that sucks! I feel so happy whenever i am seeing him and i’ve been doing so many weird and stupid things because of him.. i am even misjudged by the people around me but still i don’t really care. For a long time, my life was filled with you in my mind, in my heart and in my stories.. as if you are the only person i know.. But now.. i realized.. why am i being so devoted to someone who never even did noticed me as a beautiful person or someone who is special, why am i putting someone as the only man i wanted who i know will never give back the love that i have for him.. Its just a simple realization of why am i complaining that i don’t have a boyfriend, that no one special is texting me or why am i so bitter when in fact i know the answers to my questions.. Moving on is not an easy thing.. I don’t know if I can stand to that but i’m trying.. but as what i am always telling myself.. how can you move on when he is still the one that you think before you sleep and when you wake up.. how can you forget him when at your peaceful moment he is still the person in your head.. NAH! whatever!

still up in the early morning

hmmm… i still haven’t done anything for school.. just the burning of our music for the philgoco presentation.. i am really uninspired.. i can’t even think for a design and a logo.. nah.. maya maya.. haven’t installing it.. anyway what am I doing now.. i suppose to maximize all the time i have for school works yet i am still here doing non sense.. later i still have to wake up early for our 7:30 am boring literature class.. but then i am not yet sleepy.. i can’t do anything but to stare at my monitor and typing this blog.. whatever i need sleep.. enough for those non sense time wasting..

bloody wednesday

this was a very horrible Wednesday for me.. ah.. it’s because of our lab exercise this morning.. really.. i didn’t do anything.. i contributed nothing.. i don’t know why i really don’t feel well today.. anyway, that was just the start.. the highlight was our report in physics.. nah.. i really exerted efforts in memorizing all those terms but then i forgot much of them during the presentation itself.. and what made it worst was that our professor ask us about our report and i didn’t answer any of her questions.. nah.. i really don’t know what to say.. i am really caught in the middle where there was no one to help me.. well a bit of my fault because i didn’t mastered my report but it was a surprise question for us.. we were really surprised that she would ask something from our report which she haven’t done with the previous reporters.. anyway.. good thing she was not in a bad mood or else were really dead.. and good thing she was still supportive with details in favor to us.. nah…. and just this afternoon.. my my.. my stomach aches.. i really hate it.. but then i remembered what our next professor said in our class just after that physics lecture class.. God is good.. yeah.. whatever happens.. God will always be good to us.. and that is where my faith is.. even though the report was a bit messy and shameful in my part.. still it turned out fine.. and now i am feeling much better.